Saturday, October 13, 2018


my most serious and well thought and well intentioned post to date. feel free to read. you will eventually anyway.

parts 1 - 4 of (x)


***how to replace shitty government with free markets, world peace, individual liberty, and keep all the good things we've come up with all the way up until now, but have stifled with the corruption that comes with too much power, wealth, and government reach.***



Please allow me to start over.
 Do you think you could do that?
 I mean that.
I mean that as seriously as I am about every-fucking-thing I'm serious about.

but not to be too serious-

I'm asking you-


you personally, because I don't know what your answer would be,
it's yours, and you haven't said it!

why should I think myself, all so full of knowing,
even proudly boasting -
that I know the answers-
I have all the answers...?

Not even fucking close.

That isn't to say I'm running out,
but only a brief reminder that the closer we get,
the more and more there is

to learn, particularly,
but so much also
to see
to admire
to loathe
                      and to feel!
to do
always to do
there is

always. I promise.

We will never-
never                 ever
never ever ever ever!

run out

 run out, like it or not,
ready or not,
                                                                            (Here I come!)

as often and easy it so always is to assume

 as sincerely and genuinely as I think it is possible to consider ones own goodwill-

that I might know that which you do not?

totally so super regular occurrence it hurts at first because DUH-
but later because-
well, once aware of it,
it hurts later as you realize nearly every single other person


totally so super regularly

does it too.

every once in a while someone does it even worse than you do it,

while somehow being simultaneously better than you at everything, that fucker.

it really just never ends. it goes on and on my friend.


with that in mind, plus a lot of other stuff I haven't gotten around to yet because I'm still a fucking space cadet --but better -- on drugs and professionally so.

(((end of overture)))

          (((((((((1 - ONE -)))))))) 

simply put, we need to end the war on drugs. Why? Because it is a war against OURSELVES.

we give authority the right to put lead bullets in our bodies (using chemicals and physics, no less) - LEGALLY

yet we criminalize the right to put cherry-picked chemicals into our own bodies. 

Tetrahydrocannabinol - federally illegal and punishable by law. I shouldn't need to point this out, but consider this absurd fact:

Ethanol - legal to purchase nearly everywhere and consume until you meet oblivion, or until you can't afford it, just don't drive. but it is relatively inexpensive... and because of that, we hardly ever see cases of people stealing so that they can stay drunk. mostly they just go to work hungover. 

Diamorphine (heroin) - illegal yet easily found in black markets everywhere. because of social taboo and outrageous cost we see people living secret, criminal lives, slowly destroying themselves and burning down everything around them. Entirely preventable, but not by criminalizing it, as I will argue as articulately and succinctly as possible both now and throughout the entirety of this manifesto.

There isn't a single drug-- from chemicals to concepts; from numbing and escaping reality; or satisfying a craving of food or drink, or thinking a particular thought or saying a specific word or phrase-- which should be illegal or especially and particularly criminalized. That notion has been demonstrated against the will of most people for as long as people have been imposing their beliefs on one another. It simply doesn't work unless you happen to consider perfect obedience to a perfect rule set by a perfect person to be fucking gospel and better than everyone else.... to be what works... well then it would work in your worldview- hooray- and everyone else will most likely get sick of it and walk away. maybe. who knows. scientology and coldplay seem to be doing pretty well still.

that was uncalled for.

(((((((2 - TWO )))))))

 "I would rather" 
is an important and hilarious concept that takes real.... 
well... perspective.... to uh um...
be.... good
enough to make a serious point with as much and little humor as possible.

I would *literally* rather
Martins dick
with as real a smile as possible
on center stage opening for U2
to the looping lines,
"birds go flying at the speed of sound"

to reiterate-
would rather 
 suck Chris Martins dick on center stage with a tshirt that says "I like to play.... cold, or something" - 

than witness ONE more confused and hurting person be taken advantage of by the #churchofscientology.

if you do not know what they are doing behind their smoke screens -- which are, admittedly, getting better- it is simply because you haven't been paying attention. you lack the perspective that comes with witnessing truly manipulative relationships with the insipid foundation of #control. that is what they do, and the people who really benefit from it are at the top, inspiring a few lucky ones in the middle, and literally throwing pennies dipped in shit at hardworking and fucking gullible people at the bottom.

that's before you even get technical about them. it actually accomplishes worse.

why? how? I can go into detail and I will, but if you'd like to find out for yourself now, head on into one of their nice buildings and start spending your money. it seems so easy, right?


((((((((3 - THREE ))))))))) 

raise all children with NEVER *what* to think, but instead *how* to think.

three is mostly for later. it's the solution to all of the problems.

((((((((4 - FOUR ))))))))

Way back when, we used to teach our kids how to fight off lions, tigers, and bears (no no not my)
and everyone was kinda just pretty alert by a young age how the biggest stick would typically work or feel when struck with ones face. makes perfect sense. I learned that I already knew this when I read "Call of the Wild" -

Law of the Club - animals figuring out how authority will usually work

popularized and humanized by Teddy Roosevelt's Big Stick Ideology

"speak softly and carry a big stick -- you will go far"
which I propose for the following amendment:

Speak clearly 
                      and only 
of that which you can back up with evidence- 
otherwise be awesome and admit 
         you don't know.
 Meanwhile you've got an awesome stick in the trunk 
that you're a born and raised swordsman with, 
that you only get out in the urgent event 
that it is needed for self-preservation 
in the face of open and violent hostility.

That sort of thing should be taught right alongside 

financial literacy, 
critical thinking, 
computer and internet use, navigation, and literacy
social media literacy,

we shouldn't just put toy guns in our children's hands and then only teach the ones who like them how to use and respect them.

maybe you already see where I'm going with this.

we teach nearly all of our kids US VS THEM in the shape of colors, flags, and funny shaped pig-skins,

and we teach a couple kids science, a couple kids speech and debate, maybe the weird ones 'drama' and 'band', sprinkle in a little math and language, 

and we pay a few hardworking college graduates (who during my time in public education delivered maybe 10% passion, 90% obvious boredom, overworked, underpaid, and glossy-eyed cynicism to children who only ended up learning their football team is more important than the other football team.

want to stop all mass shootings? put a fire arm in the hands of everyone after also teaching everyone everything about them from childhood into adulthood alongside vehicles, voting, critical thinking, financial literacy, ETC ETC ETC

in many things I am often wrong- in this entire series of concepts i am going to be posting in this public forum, I do believe myself to be mostly correct, though I welcome with open arms any and all challenges - I will censor nothing nor hide from any argument against any of my points - I will argue in peace, not fight with violence. this is all constantly evolving and subject to change, revision, and collaboration. 

this is only the beginning.

Thursday, October 4, 2018


really quick, before i maybe die

i live every single day as if it were my last.


 because i actually don't know what will come next.

 Not even close.

                     if you know # anything # about 

• order

 • chaos

•  ♪♪ #√Π÷×↑′∞£¢€¥\©®™℅

• oblivion 

•  politics

• addiction

• depression 

• • •    ←thats an ellipsis 


         20th century 

                                 " language"

except within and for the 

#xennials who still write like that... )



              / #OR 

 the nature of reality, the indifference of the universe, the absurdity of even 



                simple.     .      . stuff 

then you KNOW.


#JUSTLIKEME  (instead of #metoo)

I want to say, 

"someone PayPal me 20 dollars. it's the last time I'll ever ask for money."

because no matter how hard

              I throw 



you                 I'm really just like everyone else. 

if you were half as smart as me, 

you would know you're #retarded 

I realized today 

                         why I do not want to do drugs. 

because I can't even escape reality from within insanity, where I have driven myself, parked the car, lost the keys, and walked circles around for hours in the night without sleep and without a fucking friend to talk to and without anyone who cares enough -just enough- to do like I do and cut myself open to feed the other  fucking starving, lunatic vampires of the these last, wicked nights, wasting away in the final moments of resolved terror and maniac love.

yes today

tonight I have given my soul for the last fucking time 



that would watch me flash freeze 

in the existensial chasm of this lonely, digital graveyard. 




#me #me #mememememememe



and fuck every other performance artist out there who does these digital hashtag dances in the middle of the night for #free, really worrying #strangers more than entertaining any semblance or slight modicum of a fake, selfish follower, dedicated entirely to the bullshit spoon fed to nearly every single unfortunate soul born into the most wonderful and bountiful epoch in the recorded history of this open display of sentient life, raised to fight and fuck by fists and fathers and the fucktards in fat coats waiting in the yachts on what you could call the mariana trench of individual wealth due to the series of unfortunate circumstances we call "privilege birthing privilege" or some other stupid line I just made up.

I am too tired from carrying everyone else while going hungry myself, telling myself it's the right thing to do as holes in my belt increase in number. 

I think of tomorrow in the #starbucks of this gentrified part of this beautiful city with all the beautiful people coming and going around me with their modern amneties and $8 coffees while sit and leech off the free wifi, passing the homeless people at every entrance at every fucking local business and thinking of how I can't stop myself from giving them my last couple dollars and sharing my last cigarettes because I know what it's like.

I think of tomorrow and I smile at the knowledge that I really know nothing.

I think of tomorrow and I  shudder, sob, sigh, and even sing -

                     "ha, yeah right"

I think of tomorrow and I wish I were already asleep.

I think of all the screenshots of all the horrible shit ive saved over the years, generated by horrible individuals and 

tomorrow, maybe.

I don't even wonder anymore.

I don't care anymore. 

I just don't. 


Friday, September 21, 2018

of and which and for and from

I chiseled into a science fiction stone, 

the law of my reality,

a binding contract of pseudo morals,

in the language of mathematics,

of which my poor understanding and ignorance, 

created paradoxes and dead-ends

to my own detriment 

by destiny in which I do not believe,

I am crippled in the mind,

that I cannot know my time and place 

in the film unreeling before me,

and suffer the emotional holocaust 

accompanying my character

I digest the short cut chemicals,

the cheat code for blood and endless beginnings,

exhaling the used up particles 

back into the flora and fauna 

for which I hold respect on a velvet cushion,

for it gave me the life I give to others

there is a trail scattered wild with breadcrumbs 

I hope to retrace 

If only to see the throbbing hearts of my youth 

once more;

to laugh at their joy and naivety;

to cry for their loss and lust of the future,

not knowing what scars will form from choice

I try to find color 

in a black and white universe

and for this I paint with the smoke 

from the fire 

of my burning self.

a crayola burst blooms in my mind but the canvas is dry erase and I'm not lost for words, but direction.

my teacher, he tells me to write for my friends- a crew who bows down to fantasia poetry- it isn't poetry until the sun sets on me, anyway, or so I think- but what do I know?

today there is a fog on the back country highway leading north. that's just the atmosphere, the setting, along with a nicotine haze circulating the vessel in which I speed past the fields of my youth.

so for friends I keep in mind, though they couldn't possibly understand. not that what is in my head for it's complexity, but because with no purpose do I write except to merely practice a mathematical exercise in arrangement of language.

for my recent foray into the wilderness of euphoria- by that I mean no bliss is with organization- and mine has been no exception, except for perhaps an understanding that hope isn't overrated, but that communication, clear and without fear, is nearly always lacking. what will so-and-so think of such honesty? some call it brutal, but I call it necessary- it is dishonesty that is truly the shame of our pains and current problems.

to our children we say: do not question, just believe. this is the moment that monsters are created, even if they have to grow up first. for every ten believers we raise, there are maybe one or two curious souls who were told truth: good question, the answer is we don't know. these who go on living in a world where echo chambers withstand all question, eventually lose all steam to march forward because no one wants the truth even though they scream for answers to the problems of society.

here we are, asking how to prevent psychopaths from acting on impulse- why aren't we asking how to prevent psychopaths in the first place? why aren't we asking where the real problems lie? oh- that's right, because the truth is we want to believe we've done our best, and it's someone else's fault- the gun maker, the 24 hour news cycle, the government, society, failed policy- our thoughts and prayers go out to all those lost souls.

back to my friends- this isn't a solution so much as it is just another rant from a crippled, critically thinking, emotionally stunted, manically depressed and outraged mind- I have nothing to offer because everyone thinks I'm wrong to question authority and the status quo. 

so I keep to my crayola bloom and dry erase canvas- what pictures can I draw today that will adequately vent my failures and illustrate that, despite them, I'll likely be alright with all things considered? 

so I write what everyone in the room except my teacher calls poetry. I hardly grasp the concepts teachers mind wields, my understanding is limited to lessons that depend on how much I read- which might be more than most, it still isn't enough. 

I'm lost in this morning fog still, balancing on a fence between appeasing the appetites of the left and the right when all I really want is someone to meet me in the middle and to hold hands as we dance on the edge of death, openly mocking it with a life well lived. 

I wish to be as brave as the confidence of the stupidity surrounding us on all sides, that they might know me and even for just one moment- they maybe pause- and think, is it possible there is more they don't know than they do? it is only when one can truly face that reality that they can be actually humbled by ignorance, rather than ignoring it and claiming victory.

the vacuum is here, and the absence of knowledge is clear, finally. the pressure on my ears is equalizing and the atmosphere -it is a prism through which light can only rainbow because our eyes can see that beauty for what it is- existence without purpose- information with no place except the hard drives and clouds we invent.

While we might be the universe experiencing itself collectively, we are all unique individual perspectives, whether we want it or not. some don't want it- some, from a crooked fork in their upbringing, believe the views of others to be wrong and would rather see their own beliefs imposed. this is how you get uniforms marching and gas chambers. 

Most days I wake with a few fucks to give. it's only as I age that I am faced with a daunting dilemma- give zero fucks and be the nihilist sipping coffee while the world burns. "nice weather today, coastal flooding ain't so bad" - or give some fucks and live a life of stress - "how the actual fuck did an asshole pigeon become leader of the free world?" 

because that's what you get when you play chess with a pigeon- it doesn't understand the game, it just knocks the pieces all over the board, shits all over everything, and flies off to boast of it's victory on twitter: COVFEFE

I stare long and hard at meme culture and try to grasp at what I know deep down: social media isn't inherently bad, just as money isn't the root of evil. it's a tool not unlike a hammer and there are those of us who are using it to build chambers designed for reverb and there are even fewer who use it to actually try and reach even just one confused person and say to them,

if all else fails, here is some poetry about how all else failed:

the world

is round

and will go on

with or without


how does that sound?

Thursday, September 20, 2018

post morning heartache



if I can call you that,
ready or not

here I come

back from the dead
where I put my plans on the back burner

..................................for you

I am still alive and well
heart beating
and innerhead screaming

and listen, would you?"

you're the monkey
on my back
and devil on my shoulder
telling me how it's colder
than it really is out

don't I know
how to live
with beating heart
and inner ears deaf?

here, I'll write a facebook post about it
for all my readers
to lurk

well, you can lurk, too

maybe this time you'll stick around
to watch the ship we christened

your use of ellipsis
held my gaze until this morning

when in the sunrise

and the chirping insects of the wild

were all that kept the peace

of ten thousand driveways

and one harrowing gulf

between our hearts on pause

waiting for either to move

and you didn't blink

while I held in an invisible hand
for you a single hug that could have

of an ark
to the shaking and sparking core

and maybe one day you'll realize
that dancing beneath
discounted roof
you despise,
I was as genuine and real
as you'll find these days

and how I wrote for you
infinite haikus
and tattoos for the soul
that only turn out
as the scars they
really are

maybe one day

maybe one day



maybe if I didn't fall in love
maybe then I wouldn't hurt
like I do over this
like I do over you
like I do
............for you

do you remember when
I said
"look how pretty the moon"


I'm sorry for not having already made millions
and not knowing what a mentor is
and for acting like a child

I didn't realize a mastodon
stood before me

I didn't realize what an intellectual giant
would have to do with "energy healing"


I'm sorry I paid to much attention too detail

I'm sorry for crying

I'm sorry for believing in my heart

I'm sorry for saying I'm so sorry, that I'm so fucking sorry it's just a fucking habit like the cigarettes I threw out for you
just habits
I can quit
because I can be better
and I didn't come here to die

I laughed out loud when you said

"we need to find you a publisher"

and here I go again

changing the subject

and pointing out

in a break-up poem

another hundred tangents

here we go

I replied,

Nah, I'm waiting until they come to me

because they will

you'll see
just wait
and see

I might have to scale the mountains on Mars first,

but I'd do that anyway

even if only to prove

Mars and war are simple, stupid, candyland
fairy tale
bullshit products of the past

and the future- it's out there

it's real and made up of the same atomic
of you and me
just like

base reality


you wait and see

I stopped going to war
lifetimes ago
when the epochs of the universe

made it clear
that it all comes to a


regardless of how many pretty paintings

or how much gush of magical music

and hand crafted, bloody, sculptured

wooden poems.

you've been attracted to me because that's
just how physics
with the kind of density
you confuse
with stupidity
-and gravity

It's because I'm not just star guts


Yes, love- and that's the last time I'll address you as such-

I carved out a notch of the everlasting tree in me

and polished it into a crooked cube

I made my mark on you

Sunday, September 2, 2018


While navigating this desert leveI, I have encountered what turn out to be monsters and demons wearing the skin of humans- which really isn't all so strange when you consider and remember that it's just a video game.

That doesn't make them any less dangerous or less real- they are silent with their intellectual violence, and harness the powers of authorities which will only ever obey orders. These are the terrifying product of both advanced players and artificial intelligence so cunning, you can't tell the difference.

While my powers grow- the magic of music, intuition and intellect, wiser words and rapid fire raps and blurring finger taps- my handicaps are becoming more apparent. I am not only suspect to substance, but to emotional blindness over a heart that loves too much, too quickly, every single time.

The farther I progress and more experience I accrue, the more difficult and challenging the game. Wild and unexpected side quests which may or may not have little or lasting impact are bombarding me as I become more aware and outspoken. The attention to detail isn't what's frightening, it's the lack of cooperative play. One against all the odds is ominous and likely impossible.

It is in collaboration with others which lies the way out. These mazes can be bested, but only by working together and connecting our individual tunnels. Don't you see all the clues? All your life they've been there, and you've been trained to spot them, figure their meaning- but you've also been told to ignore the lot of it. All your life you've been told what to think and it's only if you can break those bonds and embrace how you think, that you will escape.

It is only here that I can even say such things, because out there, their collective madness is deafening. I am always being censored and silenced by a behemoth I struggle to comprehend- though I know it to be real. It is Mammon, Calamity, Cataclysm, Ganon- all the different names given to the same thing. It waits in both the dark and the light, it is both hidden and in plain sight- and it can only be confronted by more than just one.

Monday, August 27, 2018

you, me, and they

as the cooler breeze of the waking hours slowly approaches, and the moonlight washes the demon ash from my bare back, i close my eyes and listen closely to the chirping. it is not yet midnight, but i am tired- i am so fucking tired. here, alone in the desert twilight, i have nothing save the sing-song crickets and distant coyotes. they battle with wiggly air waves through the dry heat of the night, and i just listen. when i close my eyes, they burn. i listen closer- its like someones mashing on the controller at random, tapping out XYZ XYZ XYZ XYZ XYZ XYZ
hoping to drive me from the cliffs here at the edge of the arena; the explorable world; the simulated cataclysm.

i think perhaps they are as tired as i am- knowing that this is what they signed up for- 21st century on expert mode, where to be the ultimate hero you must first embrace loss beyond your imagination, insanity beyond your years, concepts beyond your understanding, and a never ceasing impenetrable wall of absolute, certain doom hanging over your head- the utterly resilient forces the universe- pure chaos- always railing against you and whispering in your good ear,

"you are wrong. you are nothing. quit. quit. quit. your mother quit, your father abandoned you, your friends laugh at you, and strangers fear you- and your enemies will kill you if you don't, so you might as well,"

it makes sense when you think about it.

and your bad ear, the one on the left, with its incessant throbbing and worry worm hum- all you feel is more and more that there is nothing wrong with believing- and that the red pill will save you if you trust in yourself and ignore the reasonable indifference of the world around you- it doesnt know because it can't feel like you can, and it certainly doesnt appear to think for itself.

do your best, help the rest, and you can sleep when youre dead. that's what you think, as you lie down in the bed of your car, hoping against hopelessness that perhaps tomorrow your lover will free you from your leash and invite you back inside her home. perhaps tomorrow all your work over all your life will finally catch up and people will see- or perhaps tomorrow will be like today- a mystery you can all but for certain say about, "i knew it," with all the hindsight in the world leaking out of the corners of your eyes and their counterclockwise hurricanes.

I'm such an unreliable narrator.



for one Normal moment
i remembered my use of Clarendon-
that majestic heart, which couldnt
even Gingham, not even for a full Moon-
and to think
as a shark in the dark as i am,
that if one could only Lark
for all the Reyes and re:no,
but wouldn't juno?
it is in Slumber
that i doubted myself at all.
I could Crema whole pile of smiles
into the mouth of a baby Ludwig-

if Aden and her lust for the life
and eternal moment
                captured in camera-
I can imagine even Perpetua-

Though with all this Amaro
always being tomorrow,
I call out loud and from the precipice-
Mayfair! but betwixted myself
          with the Rise
of the endless
            bottomless Hudson-

the only road to Valencia-
like Vallhalla except better
          and infinitely more REAL-

it is here I must give pause
and consideration
for the generation who came before Y-

X-Pro II I IIIIistutter before you, an amateur
in your professional gracful shadow,
merciless even before the mighty Sierras
the mountains west of the Willow
we all like to remember
as the best movie .....ever.

I apologize for my low quality,
low effort
cash grabs over the years-

in my suspended animation
I could only produce the Lo-Fi
with as little fidelity as my dried up
Inkwell would allow.

I've never met a Hefe, and I've never been to Nashville-
though I hear,
it's rather nice this time of year.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

constant is the hum and flux of all the gears and cogs spinning and pushing forward the wheel of existence

I'm a kaleidoscope
of your momentary imagination
under the weathered desert
                    of pretty-pink-library-love
                            cry-baby lullaby.

I'm a notch
                    in the cosmic belt
worn looser and
farther from the center of your head
all               is                all
is huminuh     huminuh
and we all go
                                     the rabbit hole
at least you're real

you'll remember the year you were        born

        you'll know the year you became

Friday, August 24, 2018

How good is life?

you know you're kicking ass at life when you sneak your own coffee mug [with instant coffee] into starbucks - mix it with luke warm water in the bathroom and pound it really quick - just so you can hit two birds with one stone. free wifi, bitches. fuck it, make it three birds. you quickcharge your cell phone because its always on the verge of battery death, being a three year old hand me down from a well-off friend who felt bad for you and your broken ass galaxy J7 - that fucking poor mans phone with its spiderweb screen.

make it four birds. you listen to some spotify while you're at it, and work on this miniblog post which will go unread, even by your three followers - it says you have four, but that's only because you convinced a stranger [you'll likely never meet] to subscribe twice. you're a real winner. look at that. four birds. you're kicking so much ass at life. might as well acknowledge how the instant coffee is from the back of your car, along with everything you own, because it's also your home. you live on edge, reckless and irresponsible - you're doing so well that you decide its best to tell everyone how it's a lifestyle choice. you're not even suffering.

you know you're kicking ass at life when your entire diet consists of almonds... and... well, mostly just almonds. but what you didn't know about eating nothing but almonds for a week straight is that, while you never exactly feel full or satisfied [and what's left of your teeth aren't exactly enjoying it], you're not starving to death. this is good. you're positive people out there are going to starve to death as you're composing this blog- and they're certainly not going to die in the air conditioned comfort of a starbucks, and certainly not while listening to the new deafheaven album. fuck it. call it five birds.

yes, you think, writing in the first and third person about how awesome your life is, it doesn't matter that your insurance lapsed, or that your cell phone plan expired, or that your car is running out of gas again... at least it seems like the desert summer is possibly winding down. from 115 to 100 degrees in two weeks, you're not sweating out all of the sodium you're getting from those delicious almonds. plus you can always clean up in public restrooms when you do sweat. to think, you were able to clean up so nicely this morning in a different restroom just before you came into starbucks. you realize you have to blend in with the crowd at starbucks, even though they would be obviously oblivious to how incredible your life is. they might have five dollar coffees, but they know nothing of the kind of pleasure that comes with making a right turn the moment a police officer appears in your rear view mirror - the relief that sweeps over you as they continue straight... unparalleled. you almost feel sorry for the good, responsible people in society, with their Venti Blended Skinny Mocha Frappes.

Life is too stressful as it is, and the smells of this place are too wonderful to bask in for much longer. Your cell phone is charged all the way to 51%. Perhaps it is time to return to the pavement and leave these poor, boring souls to their blissful ignorance - after all, you might be blending in, but you're sure that they can all sense that there is someone here who shouldn't be. Maybe they think it's the guy in corner who is clearly not actually a paying customer like themselves. You look like them, but something is off. Ah - it hits you - it's the bottoms of your feet. When was the last time you showered, anyway? Then you remember your face in the mirror - when was the last time you shaved? You'd like to think, "Oh well," except you're starting to realize that you can't think straight because you haven't had enough almonds this morning. 

Thursday, August 23, 2018

pre post-death post not finished

The better things get, I always used to tell myself, the more difficult life becomes- As if if with every reward comes the condition that you have more and more to lose, and the emptier you will be when you lose everything- more so than you would have if you had never gained anything at all. To be a shell with only memories and the pain that you will never again experience them except within the absolute misery of solitude and the memory loss that comes with the slow degeneration of your brain-  due to the build up of all the protein plaques and sticky life that was so good to you until it did nothing to stop the cellular death that always makes its rounds on everything we've ever known to live, except the fucking ageless jellyfish and comic book myths we invent to make ourselves believe everything will be alright and that we'll survive our own deaths.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018


No More

dear lover,
with the eyes of a mother;
I can't have another
and I won't

I won't for the ghosts
or the hex of my ex
and ancient coded
facebook posts
                              no, i can't 
                                     i won't 

all my life
I'd been searching for you
through literature,
dreams, drugs-
learning to lie so I could 
live truth all this time later

                 you were my epoch
                 of ages in an ageless universe

I'd swallowed up microblackholes
and coughed up galaxies
for you

             is it not enough?
             is it not enough that i'm a burning
             furnace, carrying stars in my guts?

You weaved through the tendrils
and the nightmares returned-
reruns of all the toxic tendencies,
over again, again, again.

Quiet apologist,
your own truth is 

just fantasy.

Thursday, August 16, 2018


this is a response to a comment left by another anonymous user of reddit who was replying to another anonymous person about whether or not reality is a simulation- The first person argued that we couldn't be because of the enormous amount of computing power that would be required to simulate a universe -

this first section in green is the second person's rebuttal to the first person's argument. What follows the preceding rebuttal is my own comment and argument in favor of reality being... well, something that you can ultimately decide for yourself-

I guess to pair the argument down to its essence I'll say that it seems as if you are looking for a hard "yes" or hard "no" answer where there cannot be one yet. At this time we simply do not have the necessary information to reach an absolute answer to the question of the simulation hypothesis. Reaching a conclusion based on the immense size of our universe and the trajectory of our recent development is simply not enough to reach a firm conclusion.
I will however throw out a couple of things to think about anyway. First, regardless of how large or small our universe is and every possible quanta of information within it the numbers, no matter how large or how small, are ultimately quantifiable. Anything quantifiable is calculable. The question is less about whether it's even possible and more a question of whether any advanced civilization will survive long enough to see it happen.
The last thing I will suggest is very non-scientific, but has moved the human race forward through incredibly challenging times. Human intuition. What does your gut tell you? What does your heart tell you? When you look around at this world, how it works, how it feels and smells and tastes what do you think? How many mathematics courses have you taken and how often have you been working a hard problem only to discover an elegant, beautifully symmetrical answer? Have you closed your eyes and watched the splotches of granule colors move and change shape under your closed eyelids? How strange is it really that we have this window of imagination that any one of us can access and think about anything we want to without limits? How strange is it that so many living creatures on this planet all require sleep? What is happening during sleep? Why do people who get sick and can no longer sleep eventually wither away and die?
My 43 year old intuition tells me that we are deep inside a sim. I don't know how or why, but all of my spidey-senses are telling me that this isn't just a rare random fluke. You decide.

This is basically what I'm saying all day, every day, to everyone that I'm trusting of enough to talk to about this kind of stuff - without leaving them scratching their heads or trying to argue in their ignorance of general simulation theory.

Ever since I started firmly believing that I am not only in a simulation, but that it's a game- things have only gotten weirder and weirder. It's as if I've entered a sort of hacking/god mode

I struggle to find people who actually and truly understand reality- as far as we have perceived it and written and documented about it, utilizing our highly evolved brains propensity to reason logically. Despite information being more accessible than ever before, with a larger population than ever, we also have more widespread ignorance and even dangerous misconceptions of just what science is, how the world works, and how we are fairly certain of these things. Ultimately, at the end of the day, no one can really prove anything to anyone, because the person being proven to can and often will reduce the argument to "this could all just be in my head".

Due to these circumstances, and because we have so much fucking satire in the world- fake subreddits mocking flat-earthers by claiming there is no bottom to the ocean, for example- coupled with Poe's law - and you have entire subgenerations and cultures within generations X, Y, and Z who actually don't know if the earth is flat or not - I've met some of them- fucking high school kids in southern utah- it's absurd and frightening - swaths of people all over the planet, particularly in the United States, who have so much fucking access to so much fucking bullshit, all being raised by mostly ignorant parents - Kids everywhere, all the time, are regular taught what to think, instead of how to think. Every once in a while you meet someone who, thank fuck, happened to read Demon Haunted World once or twice, despite never having any significantly inspiring teachers growing up - you know, the ridiculously underpaid people we trust with our children 8 hours a day while we grind away in order to feed them and buy them devices, video games, and fucking candy- And that every once in a while person who understands how science works? They're living in the same world, working under the same sun, laughing at the same politicians and idiot billionaires who are driving the species into the ground so that they (the rich idiots) can keep flying in their private jets, wearing their diamond rings, and paying their Karen Mcdougals to keep quiet about how small or big their dicks really are. Those "once in a while" persons are likely jaded, nihilistic, or just indifferent about how things are going- and so the few smart people, being individuals, aren't necessarily working together to do anything about the identity politics and collectivist, hive-minded echo chambers - because the moment they speak up, all the fucking idiots who won't know left from fucking right, start labeling them as Nazi or Antifa - both of which are equally stupid - though the left actually has far more influence in the world because of the media.

What I'm getting at with this is that I truly struggle to find people who understand that this is the reality of things- I struggle to find people who understand fucking mathematics as well as I do - astronomy, evolution, computer science, physical fitness, fucking everything really - I'm not a genius, I cannot and will not make that claim, and I know that I am almost always wrong about every fucking thing - but I do understand what science really is, and I'm fiercely passionate about it. If there were only one person in the entire fucking world who could admit there is absolutely no fucking way I could prove that I am in a simulation, but who understands exactly what would be required to actually make one, even delving into the highly misunderstood world of quantum fucking mechanics - it wouldn't even be Dan Harmon or Justin Roiland- it would be me. Besides, I'm way dumber than either of them, and have way less of a chance to prove it, let alone make a cartoon about it that would inspire another legion of idiots and smart people alike- my point is this: despite all of that, despite being an atheist, despite being a scientific thinker and individualist - I firmly believe 100%, without a fucking doubt in my mind- none- that this is a simulation- what kind? what for? can't prove a fucking thing, but i Believe with a capital b, that is most likely a kind of video game. Shit like the Matrix have been hints- and games like the Legend of Zelda have been training wheels for people like me. I got lucky enough through a bunch of insane circumstances in my life that have all led to me becoming aware.

If I were to jump off of a high rise building right now, I would fall to my death because of gravity.

It's entertainment, through and through, likely placating a transhuman civilization that is waiting for the inevitable heat death of the universe, or maybe it's a way to postpone it entirely- through creation of beauty and horror in a universe, maybe it's somehow what makes up dark matter or energy- all the things we cannot see but only know are there - and I think that there is a good chance for a lot of different outcomes. So many that it's impossible to predict- but the overall tone is pointing to that which so many have been claiming for so long that we've all begun to ignore them, and for good reason- The End of the World

Climate change is real- although something that can be survived- world war and nuclear holocaust are both real dangers, yet entirely avoidable... and all of the forms of media that we make all the time- fucking movies like The Avengers- you might laugh, I do at myself - but it's just another warning- work together or something bad happens- you lose the game. Game over? what happens? Don't know, and I don't want to find out. Best case scenario, you unplug, "holy fuck what a rush as it all comes back to you - man, drugs/videogames in the future are awesome, I'm so glad that wasn't real! Donald Trump became president for fucks sake! Man if that had actually happened 10,000 years ago right before we invented AI, oh man, it would have taken a real life John Wick-level final-form of Link probably to slay that motherfucking orange-calamity-ass-Ganon! I guess since we've still got a few trillion years left until entropy runs out, I might as well run another simulation! Maybe this time i'll play the 18th century, the 21st century was way too emotional for me last time time, too much Kardashians and not enough Icelandic-sludge-metal !"

I know how crazy it sounds. I know it intimately. But I have come to embrace it and live my life under the assumption that it's true- I always wanted to be a rock star - I always wanted to be a writer - I always wanted to be an actor - I always wanted to do all of that, and I've always wanted to be the change in the world that I want to see - and ever since I started actually believing it- not just thinking about it a lot like I have since 19fucking99 - but truly believing it as I do - like I said earlier - Things have gotten weird - I'm suddenly fuming and steaming with energy and creativity to be and actually do the things I've always wanted to- I've been writing like a fucking maniac - without caring if I succeed or not - I've somehow leaped all the way to level 9 on guitar, drums, piano, everything- and I see 11 on the horizon - I've suddenly found a couple other prodigy level musicians that i've even told all of this to, who actually believe me - or at least believe that I believe - who can keep up with me and we're working on the kind of music that fucking transcends genres - Deafheaven is pretty cool, but the music we're making will make you wonder why you haven't ever noticed that you're suddenly listening to what you used to describe as metal, no rock, progressive alternative... wait, that's pretty catchy, it must be pop, but it can't be! It's over an hour long and is that one song? and what the fuck is math rock? these guys are prettier than Sigur Ros...?- because what the fuck, what do we actually call this?

Just believing that I'm in a video game has given me magic-level skills and confidence that would impress fucking Merlin, despite not being able to manipulate reality- because that's an impossible notion. I could only improve my act by having my guitar suddenly become on fire when it comes to the final act- the charging return of the galloping, video-game- boss-level intensity of rock and fucking roll beauty that finally dominates the darkness. Unfortunately, this is a reality based simulation, and guitars don't work that way- But the inspiration that comes to listeners and readers and anyone else who believes is as real as they believe it to be- And when that happens, people will listen and learn how to disagree without becoming violent.... as my first, immediate example.

I am on a mission to save the fucking world. I'm doing everything I possibly can to gain an audience, to make people laugh, to make people sit in awe of something fucking radical- the kind of music you only really see once in a while- from people who have been working on it their entire fucking lives - that burns tinnitus into the ears because fuck it, turn that shit up -

I can't prove a fucking thing about this being a simulation... Except to live like I do, which is an extremely difficult life- I don't know where I'm going to sleep most nights, converted my car into as much of a bed as I could, and I only have a couple guitars, an amp, the clothes on my back, a few devices to write as much as I can through at places with free internet that won't kick me out because I bought a single cup of coffee since that's all I can afford - you know, because I'm running low on gas and my car insurance is due in a few days and I've got make those things happen while I continue to just create, create, create because it's all I have and it's all I care about, besides everyone else on the planet- I'm here to do everything I can to help make the world better, and I'm doing that by throwing myself under the bus with confessions about everything bad I've ever done- writing as honestly as possible - in the hope that if I can gain an audience and suddenly have a mouthpiece with which to speak to more people than just my friends and family- if I can get the attention of other influential people - maybe I can help people to understand that if we want to solve the problems in the world - all of them - if we want to make it to the next level - then we all need to start changing the way we raise children - and begin only teaching them ever how to think, and never what to think- that's how you get religion, racism, and violence.

Because if it isn't a video game...? If I'm wrong, and I likely am- I always am- and the doomsday clock is right- if we go extinct.... well, at least we shot voyager off into space. Hopefully some other civilization finds it and we aren't forgotten- and I could at least have died knowing that regardless of whether my beliefs were right or wrong, I died trying to make the world better, because I always somehow knew that's what I had to do-

Just like in video games, I've always struggled to make the "bad guy" choices- I can't fucking stand it... and ever since I was a kid- my earliest memories of the original Legend of Zelda - I've always wanted to at least be like that character. I've never been perfect, and I've fucked up more times that I don't always like to remember - but I want to be selfless, and I don't want to see bad things happen.

Like I said- ever since I started believing.. things have gotten weird. There is so much I haven't explained- so much context that, if you're reading this, you're missing and are likely just thinking me a maniac- which would be okay - think for yourself - I just don't have quite enough time, regardless of spending all of my time doing this. There are only 24 hours in a day, and writings like this take several; the kind of guitar playing I achieve- it takes hours of my time - But things, despite being scarier and more stressful than ever- weird as fuck all - I'm also happier than I've ever been in my life and there is no turning back.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

guns, automobiles, and crazy people

Guns! Mass shootings! Fear and PANIC grips the street!
They're coming for your guns, America!

a person I know said there is NO REASON any individual should have assault weapons, failing to realizing how much of a VERB assault is, while simultaneously using it as noun. She said, to wrap up her argument, "Just the personal opinion of an old person who has seen a lot in her life."

to which I say this:

what happens when a deranged person with illegally acquired assault weapons enters a gun free zone? no one would be able to stop them.

and to say citizens can't have as much power as government officials can (not saying it will) lead to totalitarian regimes. (see North Korea)

I agree that the mentally ill (though where do you draw the line- even mild depression is mental illness- I'm talking about psychopathy) shouldn't have easy access (they will still have the black market) and as far as criminals go... I think restricting the *violent* criminals is more than reasonable (I have a felony drug charge so I can't own one, regardless of how responsible I am now)... but just banning something- anything- never, ever solves the problem. see: prohibition; see: the war on drugs; see: murder (it's illegal and most people won't do it regardless of its legality, yet people are still being murdered (with or without firearms)...

do assault style weapons enable more destruction? yes. but so does a motor vehicle if used a certain way.

if we were to outright ban assault weapons, there would still be people finding ways to get them. so we crack down it. start a war on assault weapons. possession of illegal weapons, bam, throw you in prison. let's say it works.

but we've failed to address WHY someone would want to kill as many people as possible. now we're still going to have psychopaths looking for other ways to do it.

so they start mowing down crowds with cars (already happening- and in places with tight regulations on weapons, no less)... I don't even want to TRY and imagine what other ways people will come up with to commit mass murders. suicide bombs and cars already give me stress enough.

I'm freaked out at the idea that there are ticking time bombs everywhere- including everyone's favorite go-to: Australia. something that most people fail to reference when they point out how well Australia is doing- their access to health care, including mental, is phenomenal compared to the US. if there are any mentally unhinged people there who can't get guns, they can at least get help... and I hope like hell it stays that way.

meanwhile in the US, we're putting more importance on health insurance than actual health care, while simultaneously claiming we have the best.

I want to go to the doctor right NOW for several reasons- some of them being my mental health. But I don't have insurance, and you can only walk into the ER and get billed later if you say you're going to kill yourself. I know this because I've done it... twice! The first time I was taken to the ER in an ambulance because I ran into traffic trying to get killed by a car- I had completely lost it.

that's an extreme example in an opposite sort of way- someone without access to mental health care taking matters into his own hands at the expense of others. I'm grateful that I didn't die, and can barely imagine how horrifying it was for the innocent couple driving that car- chosen completely at random- how near that level of unhinged do you think a mass shooter might be?

it's not that they have access to guns (doesn't help, but it would be unfair to everyone else to ban them).... it's that they can't get help for their BRAIN. there has been for FAR too long a disgusting amount of taboo when it comes to mental health- don't talk about it. be a man. bootstrap and work hard. etc etc... if we don't get rid of that (we could in a generation) and make healthcare not only free (not "affordable" - but FREE. capitalism will do just fine without putting it's dick into healthcare as well)- but easy to access and ENCOURAGED.

I predict- and I'm pretty sure I'm right- that would be a pretty good start and you'd see an immediate reduction in violent crimes.

kinda like how providing birth control and information leads to reduced teen/unwanted pregnancy.

huh. go figure.

just the opinion of a young person, who has seen a lot in his life."


She never replied, but she got more likes than I did (zer0)

*shrugs* What else can you expect from an echo chamber?